


'Cuz I'm your Home

by JoJiHo



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: (Fear of loud noises), Bang Chan-centric, Channie has panic attacks, Fluff, Gen, Han Jisung | Han is a Sweetheart, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Little bit of angst?!, Panic Attacks, Trigger Warnings, han jisung is a good friend, sonophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:21:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24791512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoJiHo/pseuds/JoJiHo
Summary: Sometimes the hands on your ears doesn't necessarily block out all the noise.ORChan is afraid of loud noises, and unfortunately Stray Kids is a loud mess.
Relationships: Bang Chan & Everyone, Bang Chan/Everyone, Bang Chan/Han Jisung | Han, Bang Chan/Hwang Hyunjin, Bang Chan/Kim Seungmin, Bang Chan/Lee Felix, Bang Chan/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Bang Chan/Seo Changbin, Bang Chan/Yang Jeongin | I.N, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 15
Kudos: 306





	'Cuz I'm your Home

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:
> 
> There are mentions of panic attack throughout the fic, and a detailed description of panic attack. If you feel uncomfortable, you are advised not to read, or read on your own risk.
> 
> PS. The exact description of the attack takes place between the two horizontal lines (---------). Though I tried my best to avoid mentioning it, and replacing it with the word 'episode', there are still mentions of the word. Just to inform.
> 
> PPS. Title from Seventeen's Home.

"I want jjajangmyeon."

"No. We ate that yesterday. We'll have ssamgyeopsal today."

"That's not fair, hyung. You ate all the jjajangmyeon yesterday and we didn't have much of it left. I want to eat it properly today."

"Guys..."

"No. It's ssamgyeopsal day. I want it."

"Hey listen..."

"And I want jjajangmyeon."

"Can you please tone it down!" Minho shouted, and the whole of the practice room's attention zeroed on Minho. And hence, nobody was able to notice the slight flinch Chan gave at Minho's shout.

"How about we get half-half of both the serves? Those who want jjajangmyeon can eat it, and those who want ssamgyeopsal can serve themselves. And those who want both can go with both." Minho suggested, and when a series of nods followed, he pulled out his phone and ordered the food. They played around a little till the food arrived, and then the members practically inhaled the food. _Except for one member._

Chan was generally not a person for loud things. It was something even his mom used to tell him. That he was a soft boy, unable to bear harsh atmospheres. But as he grew up, his fear of loud noises became more of a phobia, to the level that he had panic attacks when it was loud beyond a level.

Even as a trainee, he tried and learned his best to keep his fear at bay, when the trainees fooled around in the break time. He spent the majority of his time in the studio, volume of the music in the earphones in check, so that he doesn't freak out. But when Jisung and Changbin came along, leading to the formation of 3Racha, the secret was out in the open. Well, he intentionally didn't want to keep it a secret, but it wasn't a topic he could approach casually, so most of the people didn't know about it. It was when Changbin had accidentally turned the volume so loud through the speakers of the studio, that Chan had literally ran out to calm himself.

The others members came across it in various situations- Seungmin, Hyunjin and Jeongin during the recording, when Jeongin was having some warm up session, and let out a dolphin shriek; and Minho and Felix when they were playing with the music, in the dance room. Since then they were especially careful to keep it a notch down, and Chan himself had forgotten that he had such a fear.

But Minho's shout was more than enough to remind his body, the terror he felt when the noises were too loud. Since the moment the food arrived, he couldn't help but push it around the plate. He did have a choice between ssamgyeopsal and jjajangmyeon, but strangely, the thought of food wasn't so appetizing to him, as it used to be after a rough day of practice. He did manage to get a bite or two of jjajangmyeon, but the thought of meat itself was something that he couldn't manage for the day.

The practice resumed, and Chan still didn't feel good. And the blaring music in the background _definitely_ didn't help. Generally when something loud enough manages to scare him off or push him to the edge, he preferred a rather more silent air around him. Such days generally ended up with him tucked next to Minho, on his bed, with his ears safely covered with the earmuffs. And now, Chan just wants to go back to the safety of the dorms.

"-an. Chan!" Another loud shout, and Chan instinctively covered his ears, trying to block as much sound as possible. _But sometimes, his hands on his ears weren't able to block out all the noise._ He raised his head and matched his eyes with the dance instructor, who looked quite offended, not to mention, fuming off. Chan feared whatever was coming for him.

"I'm telling you since the past minute that you are falling back a beat, but you don't care to notice?! Am I kidding here? Is your comeback a joke?" The dance instructor scolded, and Chan's hands slowly dropped down, along with his head. _How could he space out in the middle of his practice?_

"I-I'm s-sorry."

"Does being sorry get you fame? Does being sorry get you wins at music show? Because if they do, we'll stop this practice here, and instead learn how to be sorry." Their next comeback was nearing, and everyone was at the end of their patience. So the outburst was more or less expected. But what wasn't expected was the fact that it was Chan, who was being scolded right now. Their responsible, selfless leader Chan, who worked hard day and night to make each and every comeback of theirs successful.

The music started again, and the members resumed their routine, still wary of the dance instructor. He still didn't seem satisfied from the previous outburst, and was probably looking for another prey. Unluckily, he was quick enough to catch another one.

"Jeongin! That's not the right placement of your arms." The music stopped again, and the members let out a pained sigh. "Do I have to teach you the whole dance routine, barely two weeks before the comeback?" The dance instructor scolded. But Jeongin wasn't ready to accept it.

"It is exactly how you taught us. One hand on the waist and the other-"

"YANG JEONGIN!" The dance instructor bellowed on the top of his voice, clearly displeased at the youngest fight back. But before he could scold the youngest any more, the sound of a door shut closed attracted their attention. Before anyone could respond, Changbin's almost-whisper broke the silence, that settled in the moments between the shutting of the door and Changbin's whisper.

"Chan."

* * *

Jisung had his own share of fears. Fear of heights, dark places, amusement park rides, and most recently, the fear of a lot of people surrounding him. So he could relate the most to Chan's fears. He could understand how out of it he felt after a fear-induced panic attack, and how much of time he needed to get back to the track. And to him, he observed that Chan recovered fairly quick from the after-effects. A night of good-sleep, tucked into someone's bed, with earmuffs secured around his ears, was enough for him to return back as the bright Chan the very next morning.

And when Chan suddenly walked out of the practice room, he suddenly felt the need to follow the elder. And before anyone else could even take a step, he rushed through the door, searching the corridors for any sign of a seriously disturbed Chan. When he didn't find any, the last and the most plausible option seemed to be the washrooms. _And man, he was correct._

Even in his darkest and scariest moments, Chan preferred silence. Even if he felt sheer panic coursing through his body, making even the simplest task of breathing difficult, his body refused to let out any noise. But he knew that it could be the best way to calm himself down. The quieter, the better. But the ringing in his ears seemed to have a mind of its own, so loud and so irritating. So he sat curled up on the safest place he could think of, sobbing soundlessly, yet pathetically.

He heard neither the footsteps, nor the small whisper of 'Channie' over the ringing of his ears, so when a hand landed on his shoulder, he shuddered at the touch. He pressed further into the wall behind his back, his only anchor to hold him, for it seemed like he was drowning. He was too gone to realize that he needed to follow the breathing method he learned especially for his panic attacks.

The painful minutes, which felt like hours passed, as the ringing in his ears went down a notch, and he could finally make out the soft voice of _someone_ speaking _something_. Thankfully, there was no touching, and if he would have been in his proper mind, he would have clearly recognized the voice to be Jisung's. But it was as if Chan was coming down from a high, drugs wearing down, as senses came back.

"It's fine, Channie. No one's gonna harm you. You're safe. You're with me." Jisung mumbled as he continued to babble various senseless words, waiting for Chan's dazed out gaze to focus on him. Finally when Chan's gaze started to actually stare into his orbs, Jisung let out a small, encouraging smile.

"Hey, Channie. Come back. You're fine, I promise. I'll never let anything happen to you." Jisung encouraged, but Chan still seemed every bit clueless. Jisung belatedly realized that the panic attack wasn't over yet, as Chan's breathing was still _dangerously_ off, and his hands clutched at his ears tightly. Jisung extended his hand, hoping that Chan would accept it, let him touch him, because the nearer he was to Chan, the better he could help. Chan's eyes shifted onto his hands painfully slowly, but the way his head gave a barely visible nod, was enough for Jisung to hurry his way next to Chan.

Still careful enough to not scare of the elder, Jisung slowly let his hand onto his shoulders, waiting for any sign of refusal, but when Chan slightly leaned into the touch, he was more than just happy. Chan's breathing was still stuttering and irregular, and Jisung had to focus on it before anything else.

"Channie." He whispered close to his ears, clearly aware that in this situation, even a sound that normal intensity can also set Chan off. "You need to listen to me." He said,his hands slowly making their way upto Chan's, where they sat cupping his ears. For the first time, Chan whimpered, refusing to let his ears out in the open, but Jisung carefully pried them off, replacing them with his own. Leaving a slight space, so that he could instruct the elder, he whispered into his ears.

  
"Channie, you need to follow the breathing technique. In for 4, hold till 7 and out at 8. Come on, focus on me. Breathe with me." Jisung guided. As expected, Chan failed for the first two times, before he was finally able to reach 4, held in till 7 and let out at 8. They followed the breathing exercise, Jisung demonstrating for Chan to follow, for another long five minutes, before Chan finally seemed to be back. His grip on Jisung palms loosened, where he held onto them as a lifeline as Jisung blocked his ears for him, and his palms slid to land near Jisung's elbows. Jisung shifted slightly closer, aware that Chan becomes needy of skinship after his panic attacks, and Chan's head landed on Jisung's chest. The elder was out of all the energy after the episode.

"Hey, Channie. You're back?" Jisung still asked, more for Chan as he realized his surroundings and made his first move. Generally, after every episode, Chan demanded for skinship, or if it was a minor one, he just shook it off. So Jisung was waiting for Chan to ask for what he wanted, so he could know that it was really _over_. 

"Hmm. Sungie." Chan murmured, and Jisung strained to hear it, even though it came from where Chan sat, his face buried in his chest. He must have been really tired, he realized.

"Want to go back?" Jisung asked, though he immediately regretted when Chan froze up, and he felt the tears seeping into his sweatshirt as Chan shook his head with whatever left energy he had.

"Oh no, Channie-love. Not the practice room. The dorms. Back home." Jisung reassured, and Chan's shaking stopped momentarily as he slightly raised his head to face Jisung.

"Cuddles?"

Jisung chuckled lightly, minding to keep his voice low, and nodded back. Chan seemed satisfied, and his head fell back into Jisung's chest. The brief moment of happiness was ruined when a soft knock came from the entrance of the washroom. Thankfully, Jisung had the mind to lock it before he entered, so whosoever it was, didn't barge in. Though the knock was the lowest and softest it could be- the clearest indicator that its one of their members- it was still loud for Chan, who was still coming up from his episode. As Chan let out a small whimper of discomfort, Jisung coaxed him to slide him off for just enough time, so that he could hurry to open the damn door. He didn't even take a proper look at whoever it was, rushing over back to gather Chan back into his arms.

Luckily, it wasn't the younger members, but Minho who had come to check upon them. When his eyes fell upon Chan, his eyes softened, feeling the elder's pain. After holding a silent eye-to-eye conversation with Jisung, they came to the common conclusion- to bring Chan back to the dorms. Minho carefully settled next to Jisung, avoiding scaring him off by being too close, and dropped his voice down to a mere whisper.

"Channie. Wanna go home?" Chan nodded in Jisung's chest. "Then will you allow me to carry you?" The idea was under consideration, but both of them knew that Chan would never deny it.

"Mm. Home." He mumbled, as he pulled away from Jisung, before dropping into Minho waiting hands. Minho picked him up, carrying him carefully into the van that waited outside, the members already inside, and a whole row left for Chan, Jisung and Minho to settle peacefully. As Chan finally found a comfortable position in the van, cuddled against Minho, and legs in Jisung's lap, he finally felt some resemblance of sense being knocked into him. 

_And God, it felt so nice to fall asleep into someone's warm embrace._

* * *

"You're up?" A whisper, next to his ear, but still a lot more far away than he feared. Exactly how he preferred. When he felt his body pressed against another, Chan turned back to face Changbin, snuggled into him and being the big spoon. The younger was short, but his body was just the perfect proportions to snuggle into, so Chan found himself pressing closer.

"Hey! Are you hungry? Want to eat something?" Minho asked, entering the living room, bending on his knees in front of Chan, matching his eye level with him. Chan nodded. Now that things seem to calm down, and he seemed to be over with his episode, he realized that the afternoon meal was way too less for his hunger, which was finally settling in.

The TV was off, and the living room was clear of any person other than the three of them.

"Think you could down some meat?" Minho whispered, and if it wasn't for the content of the conversation, Chan would have already slipped back into sleep, with the way they were so _so soft_ with him.

But the thought of meat was a bit unsettling for his stomach, so he gently shook his head. Minho hummed gently, and was about to go back into the kitchen, when Chan's own low and rough voice stopped him.

"Others?" He whispered. Minho sat back down, and ruffled Chan's hair. Chan leaned into the touch, letting out a pleased little noise still to quiet for anyone's liking, but they ignored it pointedly, with Changbin pressing into him further, whispering into his ear, "You're so cute, hyung."

"Want others?" Minho asked, and even though Chan felt like all his energy has been drained just a moment back, his head nodded enthusiastically. Minho let out a chuckle, which unfortunately wasn't so controlled in noise, and Chan's flinch was barely noticeable. But when Minho was gathering the air in his mouth to let out a call for the others, Chan visibly shrunk back into Changbin, and Minho smiled apologetically before going to call them personally.

Chan must have slipped back into sleep, because he didn't when or how the rest of the members were crowded in the living room, surrounding the sofa as they lay sprawled out on the living room floor. Seungmin was sprawled over Hyunjin and Felix, their legs a tangled mess, and Jisung and Minho seemed to be interested in whatever movie was playing on the screen. Changbin, too, seemed interested in it, because his head was cushioned over Chan's broad shoulders. Chan could see that it was clearly a horror movie, and by the looks of it, it was either Changbin's or Jisung's choice. Minho always whined about it, that horror movies weren't his cup of tea, but in return what is the horror left in them, if they are watched in mute?

Yet, everyone was so indulged in the movie, that nobody noticed that Chan had woken up. The hunger that was barely present the last time he woke up, was now making its presence known, and a particularly loud grumble from his stomach was enough to attract attention of the silent room. Chan flushed red, buried his face into his hands, just as Minho got up to take care of the issue. Jisung shifted closer to the sofa, face tilted so that he could get a better view of Chan's face, and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead.

Generally, Chan and Jisung were more bonded over things like this, for both them knew how much disoriented world seemed to be after such episodes. But Jisung always seemed to know what and how Chan wanted things, and gave them to him, in just the perfect manner. Chan disliked touches that neared his ears, or the back of his neck, especially just after an episode. Until and unless the person had permission, such a touch could always lead to greater panic. but Jisung was one of those people who required the least amount of time to coax Chan into letting him touch his ears, but it was just the sheer amount of trust the leader had in the younger, that made it possible.

Jisung's hand made an effort to lift him into a sitting position, carefully avoiding places that Chan hated to be touched at. A bowl full of what seemed like some rice porridge was offered to him, but Chan was in the mood to be babied around for a little more while. He frowned at it, pouting his lips at the bowl, as if it had called him names.

"Want me to feed you?" Jisung asked, and Chan was proud there was someone who could understand him. The rest of the dinner was much quiet, and Chan felt the remnants of the previous episode slowly bled out of him.

"Can we go back into the rooms?" He silently asked Jisung, when Seungmin looked for another silent movie to watch. Jisung nodded back, silently supporting Chan as he stood up from the sofa to walk back into his room, although on shaky feet. One look to Minho, and he knew that the others would be fine, so his priority was now Chan.

Chan didn't have such an extreme reaction for nearly an year now, and today's episode was probably a bit more shocking for Chan himself than anyone else. And Chan indirectly denying to be a part of the blanket fort, that was about to rise in the living room, was a clear indication. 

Chan didn't ask, but the pleading eyes as Jisung went to grab his pillow were enough to make him ensure Chan that he wasn't being left alone for the night. As Chan cuddled next to Jisung, they whisper-talked about various things, ranging from music to the six members who sat outside.

"Channie, you don't like the fact that you had a panic attack, do you?"

Chan didn't answer, but the way his eyes avoided Jisung's, was louder than a verbal answer. Jisung, however, didn't push Chan, for he knew the best way to get the elder to talking is to leave him to rearrange his thoughts, before he decides to say anything.

"I don't know why this stupid fear of mine is making everything worse for me." His voice was barely audible over the sigh that left him. Chan had always been insecure of things that he couldn't control. His episodes generally left him with an empty feeling, which Chan usually slept out, but probably today, Chan wasn't able to shake it off. But Jisung was going to be beside him, not letting him feel the empty feeling that he himself hated.

"So is mine, Channie-Hyung. No one's better here. Everyone's suffering, one way or the other. Don't worry about things you can't control. Let us help you with them." Jisung could feel the tears that soaked into his night shirt. Chan never cried after his episode, the water works generally limited to the duration of his attacks, but today might have been one of those days when Chan still had some tears left in him. And Jisung didn't want to question it, because it always made him self-conscious.

"I- I just wished t-that I never had it." The voice was still too quiet, in contrary to the way Chan's shoulders shook, and tears soaked his night shirt, making it look like he was out from some heavy workout.

"We all do. We all wish we didn't have this _one thing_ , that seems to make our living so miserable. But Channie, do you really think you have appreciated the silence, if it wasn't for your fear of loud noises? Do you think any of us, would have actually been considerate enough to know when we are getting too much for someone?" Jisung cleared his throat, which had been a bit blocked due to the continuous whispering. But Jisung couldn't afford to have raised his voice by even a decibel, when Jisung's whole presence was the reason for Chan's comfort.

"You made us realize many things, hyung. And you did too. This fear or phobia or whatever it is- it's not a good thing to have, but we have to adjust ourselves to it. You can't blame yourself for it." Chan sniffled, this time a tad bit louder, and Jisung considered it a win. Chan was finally letting go of the painful memory of his episode, and rather letting himself finally get more indulged in other things, and the first step was making a sound that was above a whisper.

"Can you get others?" Chan voiced, and though it was nothing it comparison to his normal tone, it was somewhat higher, and Jisung couldn't stop the smile that crawled up his face. He nodded quickly, quietly slipping out of the bed, making a beeline for the door. The members were still being quiet to avoid irritating Chan's sensitive ears, so the opening of the door had led to the attention being drawn to him.

He vaguely gestured inside the room, and Jeongin was the first to catch it. As he reached the doorway, he gently asked, "Cuddle time?", to which Jisung nodded. And soon the others prodded their way into the room, mindful of their steps, so as to not shake the wooden flooring and emanate a loud noise, but still hurried to get a position next to Chan.

The only people left in the living room were Minho and Jisung, and Minho switched off whatever movie was running in mute mode. Jisung just went around and wrapped his arms around the elder's waist, and though Minho was surprised, he returned the hug by turning around.

"Long day, huh?" He asked, and Jisung couldn't agree more to it than ever. It was definitely a long day, and much more eventful than they thought it could be when they woke up that morning. Jisung was busy making sure that Chan was fine, that he didn't realize the exhaustion that crept up, and he still couldn't forget the guts when he found Chan in the washroom, shaking and crying on the floor.

"Could I use some special cuddles?" He murmured, his eyes already drooping close now that everyone was safe, the previous adrenaline seeping out of his body. Minho pressed a small kiss to this forehead, his way of saying ' _Sure_ ' and dragged Jisung into the cuddle pile that awaited them in the room.

Because even after a long, tiring day, _Home_ awaits you- a place that holds you down after you're done flying in the sky, and a place that brings you up, when you feel like you're drowning in the ocean. Home is not building, not a place, not a property- it's the security, the comfort, and a grounding feeling.

It doesn't matter _where_ your home is. What matters is _who_ your home is.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know much about panic attacks, but I hope I described it well enough!
> 
> Please leave kudos and comments, if you like the fic!!
> 
> Stays, stream God's Menu!!!!!
> 
> #Stray Kids everywhere around the world, you make the Stray Kids Stay.


End file.
